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Friday, September 22nd, 2006
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9:50 pm - *Don’t repeat chapters, the story will never change.*
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I'm feeling really cynical & pessimistic today...
Here's some random ramblings or something.
Who i've been in the past makes me sick.
I can't believe all the things i've settled for, and ran away from..
Everything that i hate in other people, Is everything i have been or am.
You should never have to beg someone to be with you. Or chase someone, or wait for them to realize that you are the right person.
Love is not crying yourself to sleep. Or constantly thinking about someone. Or being attracted to them. Or wanting to die without them. Love isn't just a feeling. Love doesn't come and go. I'm so sick of everyone being in love. I'm so sick of people saying empty i love you's.
I'm tired of insecurities, and constant criticism. Is anyone happy with who they are?
Have you ever noticed how the reason ppeople say "how are you?" is so they can tell you how they are. Or so they can complain about hoow shitty their life is, or brag about hoow great it is. Everyone is so selfish. including me.
How come i can never let myself actually like someone?
And how come i can never completely let the person who hurts me the most go?
blah!
current mood:  cynical
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| Saturday, December 18th, 2004
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5:50 pm
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So.. i was gunna delete all my old entries cuz they are stupid... and im deleting them one by one, cause i don't know how to all at once... and i've been deleting them for a fuckin hour.... and theres still like 50 left... screw that idea!
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| Saturday, January 24th, 2004
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1:37 pm
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pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything.
pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about.
and that's what you get for falling again;
you can never get him out of your head.
and that's what you get for falling again;
you can never get him out of your head.
it's the way that he makes you feel.
it's the way that he kisses you.
it's the way that he makes you fall in love.
she's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and
her killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men.
and that's what you get for falling again;
you can never get him out of your head.
and that's what you get for falling again;
you can never get him out of your head.
it's the way that he makes you feel.
it's the way that he kisses you.
it's the way that he makes you fall in love.
it's the way that he makes you feel.
it's the way that he kisses you.
it's the way that he makes you fall in love....love....
pretty girl...
pretty girl...
pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything.
pretty soon she'll figure out: you can never get him out of your head.
it's the way that he makes you cry.
it's the way that he's in your mind.
it's the way that he makes you fall in love.
it's the way that he makes you feel.
it's the way that he kisses you.
it's the way that he makes you fall in love...love....
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| Friday, January 23rd, 2004
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11:28 pm
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You're the words that come out easy,
And I am speechless at best.
Your star it seems to shine above the rest.
You're the face before the cameras,
The smile i'd like to earn.
The closest thing to perfect,
In a hollywood suburb.
You're the beauty that is deeper,
Than eyes can merely see.
The closest thing to perfect.
But the farthest thing from me.
Chorus: (x2)
I'd love to be,
The shoulder that you cry on.
I'd love to be,
The friend you call when things are great.
You're the dream that hasn't ended,
And I'm still anxious for rest.
Your words they seem to hang above my head.
You're the bud before the flower,
Unfurls into full bloom.
Captivating beauty,
But it maybe all too soon.
You're the song that writes a story,
But leaves alot to read.
The closest thing to perfect,
But the farthest thing from me.
Chorus: (x2)
And like I really deserve a chance to,
Sit across the table,
And tell you that I think you're wonderful.
And I think you're something special.
I guess this is my only chance to,
Say I wish I knew you,
Because I'm sure you're wonderful,
If I'd get to know you.
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11:20 pm
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11:49 am
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| Thursday, January 22nd, 2004
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1:28 pm
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*Until you find something worth dying for, you're not really living.*
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| Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
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3:16 pm
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Today was sucky..well, actually the day wasn't sucky..i was sucky!! I felt like sick first and second period...then i fell asleep 3rd period...i am just like way sleepy today..i don't even know why either cause i got like 6 hours of sleep last night..... sometimes i wish i had mono. Like, all the sudden all these kids at my school are getting mono and going on home study and such...that would be awesome if i was like diagnosed with mono this weekend..cause first of all..no finals..and when my parents get my not so wonderful report card, i can be like o0o..i sucked cause i had mono.. and PLUS! i could be on home study for like at least a month..and home study means staying at home in your pajamas all day...YES!!! Thats really sad that i wish i had mono..and even sadder that i actually would want to stay home for months!!! But i don't really..i'm just saying that cause i wish i had like a week of non-stop sleep right now!!
Anyway..today was sunny...yay! ( i secretly actually love rain..but its' nice to have some sun)
it really makes me sad that no one nowadays has morals and/or apparently have been living underneath a rock and are not yet aware of the long term side affects of drug and alcohol abuse. And i obviously did not recieve the memo that concluded that getting wasted AND std's was cool.
Foul language also really annoys me..especially when girls use it..
::Anyway...can you tell i'm tired? ya..when i'm tired, i get annoyed..::
i'm gunna go read..that always makes me feel better!
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| Tuesday, January 20th, 2004
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7:47 pm
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::more nonsense, Charlie, YES!::
Why do i believe, you ask?
i believe because i know how it feels to not believe,
i know how it feels to not know him
and i never want to feel that way again.
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7:39 pm
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i think it super funny, how when i type stuff in here, i type it like i am talking to someone..like someone is actually reading this...when in reality, almost no one knows about this live journal or cares...so from now on, when i type, i am typing to *Charlie* ..charlie will be *the person who reads my live journal and cares*.. so...
shout out to Charlie...u rock my world!
i think i quite possibly might have forgotten to take my medication today.... remind me to take it tomorrow, k charlie? *hehe*
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6:57 pm
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Today was a super tuesday..most of it anyway! School sort of was pooey cause i had a headache the whole time, so it made it kind of hard to concentrate. But Rex got me a fortune cookie thingie..so cute! I luv when we hang out at brunch-he's silly!! Then after school i had a hair appointment.. that wasn't fun, but it wasn't bad lol..my hair is so long now, even when she trims it! But yea, then i went down to the church office and hung out with the lil pre-schoolers!! i was supposed to be *babysitting* but there were like 10 of them..so i just sat and played with the littlest ones..Quinn is the cutest lil baby, oh my gosh..i love him!! Anyway, while i was there Rick gave me a bible that had my name on it, i wanna say carved on it, but i know thats wrong..anyway, that was so nice of him..now i don't know what to do with my old bible though..lol. I saw Matt there too, he has the coolest car EVER, one of these days im gunna ask him 2 drive me somewhere in it..my mom would completely flip out if she found out though..cause she's parnoid about teenage drivers lol.
But yea, today was busy, but a good busy!! I'm glad i'm getting more involved in church..it makes me feel *useful*
Anyway.. Todays words of wisdom from the *Purpose Driven Life*...
*We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it.*
"Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life-fear of death, fear of judgement-is one not yet fully formed in love."
*Self worth and net worth are not the same.*
*Your value is not determined by your valuables, and God says the most valuable things in life are not things.*
"God is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of-infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes."
"You, Lord, give perfect peace to those who keep their purpose firm and put their trust in you." Isaiah 26:3
i'm reading this book, one chapter a day, for forty days, right?Cause thats what it says to do...But, I am getting impatient..i want to read the whole book today and find my purpose NOW...grr..lol
I was thinking about this the other day...
Some people are raised from since they were babies as a certain religion..like their parents baptized them before they could even talk..and i think that, that is awesome, but i think people like that miss out in a way. I mean yes, they are like experts on God and the bible by like age 10 (if their parents are like really religious)... but i think that they take God for granted. This is just from my own personal experience..but a lot of teenagers that i know, that were raised as like Christian/Catholic (whatever) since they were babies, are like not really religious at all now. And like all the people i know that are really religious, were baptised/ accepted God when they were 10 or older. (This is probly making no sense) But i think that to really appreciate God, you need to make your own decision on whether or not to make him the center of your life..you need to live life without knowing him..and then find him..to really feel the impact he has..you know? When you are a baby, you are not suffering, you do not need to be saved, or even realize you are being saved when you get baptized. So you go through life knowing that you were saved, but not truly knowing why or how it felt. And i know that there are TONS of people who were born and raised knowing Jesus, and are live their whole life for him..but a lot of people never get the chance to experience being saved, because they were at such a young age. That is just my experience, because i know several people who were *saved* as babies and are not religious at all now. I mean, i wish my parents had at least given me the opportunity to know about Christ when i was young..because now that i know him, i wish i had had him in my life before..but i am also thankful for not having him in my life, because if i hadn't lived 16 years without knowing him, i might not have realized how much i truly need him/ needed him..so like now i am 100 times more thankful that he is in my life, than i probly would have been, if i was raised christian....
^^^^^that is so nonsensical that it confuses me..but whatever, i'm not erasing it because maybe it will make sense to me later..i mean, it makes sense tyo me in my head, but not when i read what i typed...
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| Monday, January 19th, 2004
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3:41 pm
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*There are millions of people out there, but in the end it all comes down to one..*
*I still panic sometimes, forget to breathe..but i know theres something beautiful in all my imperfections, a beauty which he held up for me to see, a strength that can never be taken away..*
Now i'm reading the *The Purpose Driven Life* ..it's another christian book, and it's like a 40 day thing, where every day you read 1 chapter, and by the end of the book you're supposed to know God's purpose for your life. I'm on Day 2..and today was like realizing that no one was born on accident, that where we live, and who are parents are was not an accident either, and that God planned out our whole life before we were even born. Which makes me wonder..what if God made me, and only planned to have me live till i was 17..that would suck..if i die at 17, i will have died without even experiencing anything..i mean, i wanna make a difference before i die..i wanna teach people, i wanna fall in love, i wanna have children.. i wanna travel and meet new and interesting people.... i hope God has a long term plan for me.. cause i would be dissapointed if i died before i even got a chance to really live..
In the other book i read..*Authentic Beauty* they had this analogy thing that i really liked..heres a excerpt:
***Actress Portia Nelson captured her life story using a few brief sentences in her famous poem "Autobiography in Five Short Chapters". The following is a paraphrase:
Chapter one: I am walking down the street. There is a hole in the sidewalk. I don't see the hole, and I fall in. It is not my fault. It takes me forever to get out.
Chapter two: I am walking down the same street. This time i see the hole in the sidewalk. I fall in anyway. It takes me a long time to get out.
Chapter three: I am walking down the same street. I see the hole in the sidewalk. I try to step over it, but i fall in anyway. It is my fault. This time i get out quicker.
Chapter four: I am walking down the same street. I see the hole in the sidewalk. I walk on the other side of the street and avoid falling into the hole.
Chapter five: I take a different street.
We all have our opwn personal holes in the sidewalk- areas of weakness that cause us to stumble and fall and lose ground in our realationship with Jesus. Most of us can relate to Portia Nelson's story: We see the hole, convince ourselves we can step over the hole, and end up falling in anyway. Or maybe we make a huge effort to avoid the hole, the whole time glancing over our shoulder, enticed by the hole and wishing we could walk just a little closer to it. Very few of us ever consider the fact that there is another option- to take a different street.***
^^^i really liked that part of the book, because i think it is very true. I mean, i fall into the same mistakes over and over...its like HELLO, when am i gunna wake up and realize that i need to do something different. It's like the definition of insanity-- Repeating the same mistake, expecting different results!
Don't close your eyes
They may not open
What if they open
Would you be alive
Everyone falls
But not everyone rises
Why don't you get up
And rise again for me
chorus
What if the world were
a little more perfect
Would you stop crying or
would you take the leap
What if the world
were a little more perfect
Would you open your eyes
and blink again for me
What about friendship
What about friends
You said the whole world
was against you
And it all had to end
What about love
What about family
What about all that
you have to live for
chorus
It isn't easy here without you
Why did you leave me
What am I supposed to do
(without you)
chorus
"It is a safe thing to trust Him to fulfill the desire which He creates." -Amy Carmichael
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1:28 pm
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Happy MLKJ Day!!!!!!!
i woke up at 12....and my mom had bought lunch for me + my brother..i love my mom!
Haha..my brother has a black eye! Supposidly (sp?) he was *wrestling* with his friends, and one of them hit him! It is the funniest thing though, cause it's all like purple and blue on his eyelid, so instead of looking like a black eye, it just looks like he's wearing make-up..haha, i took pictures, it's good times!!
Anyway..imma go watch a movie, i don't feel like writing anything right now..
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| Sunday, January 18th, 2004
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11:07 pm
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A train crashed
And everything slows down
I was wishing I could get out of this town
These dreams we've had
Have never made you cry
And I am not a twinkle in your eye
But I've got to get out of here
Cuz you drive me up the wall
I've got to get out of here
Cuz I can't stand to fall
And If I die
see you won't be so close to me
And I won't be the one
Who sticks around
If I'm awake
see you won't go to sleep, I promise
And I won't be the one
Who lets you down
Tailgates, long talks
And your superficial friends
Shiny, silver Fords
That lead us to dead ends
And I said do you lick these salty wounds
That you, yourself condone
I sit, wait, and I'm all alone
But I can't go home
'Cause you're my home
If I die
see you won't be so close to me
And I won't be the one
Who sticks around
If I'm awake
see you won't go to sleep, I promise
And I won't be the one
Who lets you down
No, I won't let you down
No, I won't let you down
Tell me where you are tonight
And is everything alright?
Do you remember what I said,
While he's sleeping in your bed?
tell me now you Smile hard
cuz i don't smile much so far
And is he everything you need?
Is he everything I couldn't be?
Does he make everything match better?
Bring you all the shiny weather that you want
And is he everything
everything I'm not
And If I die
You won't be so close to me
And I won't be the one
Who sticks around
If I'm awake
see you won't go to sleep, I promise
And I won't be the one
Who lets you down
no, I won't let you down
no, I won't let you down
I won't let you down
I won't let you down...
i really need to cut out depressing music from my life, because it's not good for my health. I think i'll go back to the Sing A-long church songs!
Anyway, today was interesting, today was a step backward. Today was sort of sad in a way..but i'm not letting myself be sad anymore..i've got too many things to be thankful for, to waste time on self pity. I just need to be more patient..and trusting in the Lord.
Speaking of the Lord, i finished the book *Authentic Beauty* ..i'm going to read it again though..because we are reading it for youth group.. i don't know if i can do what it's asking.. i'm going to try though..
Sometimes i wish that we could turn off our brain, turn off the thoughts that we are thinking.. cause what i've been thinking lately has not been helping me one bit...
it's sort of weird when the things that were once most important, suddenly don't matter at all...
it's time for a change in my life..a BIG change..i'm ready, and i've got all i need..
"I have kicked myself off the throne of my life, so I no longer dictate how I live; but now Christ, living within me, has taken His position on my throne, and He determines how I live. This life i live in this earthly body, I now live in total dependence and trust in Jesus Christ who loved me and sacrificed everything for me." -Galatians 2:20 (paraphrase)
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| Saturday, January 17th, 2004
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9:24 pm
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2nd song of the day: YES!
Can you see me
Floating above your head
As you lay in bed
Thinking about everything
That you did not do
Cause saying "I love you"
Has nothing to do with meaning it
And I don't trust you
Cause Every time you're here
Your intentions are unclear
I spend every hour waiting for a phone call
That I know will never come
I used to think that you were the one
Now I'm sick of thinking anything at all
You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Do you remeber
The way we used to melt
Do you remember how it felt
When I touched you, oh
Cause I remember very well
And how long has it been
Since someone you let in
Has given what I gave to you
And at night when you sleep
Do you dream I would be there
Just for a minute or two do you?
You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Heartache heartache I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch
There is nothing you can say or do
I called to let you know I'm through with you
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9:16 pm
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Today was so relaxing! I woke up around 11:30, when Eric came over. (he's staying here for the weekend)..then i watched *One Flew Over The Coockoos Nest* with my dad..that movie is so funny, i love it! Then i took a shower!
After dinner i went to Tower Records and bought the Maroon 5 cd..i used to really hate them, but now i like 'em!!! I'm listenin to *This Love* on repeat...:)
Then i went to Sears with my dad, cause we are gunna buy a new treadmill or sumthin! Haha it was so fun...i got to like use all the excersise equipment...it was really fun! I know that, thats sad that i thought it was fun..but it was!!!!
Now i am so tired..i think imma go to sleep soon, even though its not even 9:30!
Monday is MLKJ Day...SCORE!!!!
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5:34 pm
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It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I feel when you don't say a thing
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best.. When you say nothing at all
All day long I can hear people talking outloud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Old Mr. Webster could never define
What's being said between your heart and mine
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best.. When you say nothing at all
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best.. When you say nothing at all...
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best.. When you say nothing at all...
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4:15 pm
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oh my gosh, i could kill live journal right now..it's being a piece of you know what! Time for xanga i guess~!
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| Thursday, January 15th, 2004
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7:49 pm
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Here are some *excerpts* from the book i'm reading...
*So here she was, creating drama wherever she could find it, focusing on other people's pain so she would be too busy to feel her own*
*But we live in a culture that is out to destroy all such dreams with a vengeance. Most of us are incredibly young and naive when our innocent hopes are trampled, whether by an abusive father, a divorce-riddled family, a merciless sex predator, or simply the cruel taunts of our classmates. Wounded and desperate, we embark upon a search to find value, to find someone who will accept us, approve us, cherish us, and tell us we are beautiful.*
***Jesus Christ is your true Prince, the One who gave His very life just to be with you, the One who can rescue you from the dungeon you are in, the One who can transform you into a radiant princess, the One who can carry you away to His beautiful land to cherish you forever. He is the only One who can meet your deepest longings; He is the only One worthy of your entire heart, life, soul and body- all you are and all you have. Jesus Christ is the Prince you should passionately pursue with all your heart.***
...amazing book, i'm tellin you.
amazing song by Stacie Orrico..i have it on repeat-
*Strong Enough*
As I rest against this cold, hard wall
Will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war has just begun
Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?
Will my weakness for an hour make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there anyway to be made whole again?
If I'm healed,renewed, and find forgiveness find the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plan?
Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?
He took my life into his hands and it turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance
It's there I've finally found
That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me
Oh Thank You for my chance to start again
...beautiful!
current mood:  happy
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| Wednesday, January 14th, 2004
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6:26 pm
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Today was very good, but very long! i think i am actually understanding math now...YES!
i saw Tyler today..weirdness..he's muchos cute tho!
Um, mike was *loaded* (not my word)..and tried to kiss me..*tried* being tha key word! N**** was in guitar today...he is so cute too!
It rained today..thats awesome! i wish it would snow tho!
um...no news today..it was pretty boring, but still good!
oh wait, Elyse is transferring schools..that makes me sad...now i won't have a girl to talk to in guitar.
..thats the end of today..so next entry-worthy material..i think i'm just procrastinating doing math.. i've done half it tho, so thats good!
anyway..i'm so tired, imma try to go to sleep at 9 *Ah*..i think Everwood is on at 9 tho..this sux!
:The End:
song of the day:
I was so high I did not recognize
The fire burning in her eyes
The chaos that controlled my mind
Whispered goodbye and she got on a plane
Never to return again
But always in my heart
This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore
I tried my best to feed her appetite
Keep her coming every night
So hard to keep her satisfied
Kept playing love like it was just a game
Pretending to feel the same
Then turn around and leave again
This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore
I'll fix these broken things
Repair your broken wings
And make sure everything's alright
My pressure on her hips
Sinking my fingertips
Into every inch of you
Cause I know that's what you want me to do
i love jesus!
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